


Butterfly Wings

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Drug Addiction, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-02
Updated: 2010-07-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:12:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don’t let the title fool you, this one is pretty dark and twisted.<br/>Skwisgaar’s POV, because this sort of fic tends to end up that way whether I intend for it to or not.<br/>Warnings: non-graphic sex, drugs, insanity, suicide</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterfly Wings

It’s one year tonight, since that first time. I don’t bring it up, he doesn’t like it when I talk about stuff like that, but I tell myself that he knows.  
We’re in my bed, the cover thrown back to let the sweat dry on our cooling skin. I prop myself up on one elbow so I can look at him, at how beautiful he is. It still surprises me that I find him so, and also that it took me so long to see it.  
I love him. I’ve never said the words, he won’t let me, but I love him very much anyway.

His eyes are closed, but I know he’s aware I’m looking at him. “Toki, I-“  
“Don’ts says it!” He’s looking at me now, shaking his head sadly. “Please Skwisgaar, don’t ever says it.”  
I kiss him, unable to understand his fear of those words. I _want_ to tell him, I feel like I _have_ to tell him. He’s waiting for a promise I won’t make.  
“Don’ts ruin it, Skwisgaar, don’ts ruin everything.”

With a sigh I lie back down. He pulls me close, holding me. No one’s ever held me this way before, no one’s ever made me feel this safe and loved. I treasure these moments, and all we share.  
I’m going to say it. I don’t even lift my head, just speak softly against his warm chest. “I love you.”  
He stiffens in my arms with a small hiss, but doesn’t pull away. See Toki, it’s okay, it’s okay to love. Nothing will change, he’ll see.

****

I wake up alone, a little disappointed. He almost always stays the whole night. Well, I slept longer than usual, maybe he just got bored. I get up and head for my shower.  
I wash quickly, long showers are no fun if you’re in there all alone. Too bad Toki didn’t wait for me to wake up...  
He’ll be waiting for me in the common room. I dry off and throw some clothes on.  
I’m unsure if the others know about us, we behave ourselves around them. Maybe they know and just don’t care?

When I get there, Toki is nowhere in sight. That’s weird. Nathan is sitting on the couch reading some magazine. “Nathans, has you seen Toki dis morning?”  
He stares at me blankly. “Uh... who’s Toki? Did you like, lose a groupie or something?”  
“Toki! Ours rhythm guitarist!” Why is he joking about this? I don’t like it.  
He looks worried now, setting his magazine aside and coming to stand before me. “Skwisgaar, are you okay? Because, you know, _you’re_ the rhythm guitarist. Magnus has always been the lead.”  
But I’ve been the lead for years, ever since we picked up Toki! Magnus is long gone, I have no idea why Nathan is saying these things, but I don’t like it at all! I leave the room, not wanting to talk to him any longer. I’ll just go find Toki myself.

As I pass a hallway table, a tabloid someone has left there catches my attention. With ‘Dethklok’ on the front page like that, there will be photos, proof. I need to be reassured.  
Leaning over the table, I open the magazine to the full page picture of-  
No! That’s-   
This is going too far for a joke! Who did this, who took my Toki out of the pictures? And why did they put Magnus in? Why... He looks older. Like he probably would now, if he hadn’t died back then.  
Who is doing this to me, and why?

I try to scan the text, but I’m too upset to read the English words. I don’t see Toki’s name though, not anywhere.  
Fuck this shit. I head for his room, even if he isn’t there his things will reassure me, and I need that desperately now.  
I stop outside his door, almost afraid to open it. But I can’t just stand in the hallway like a crazy person, so I force myself to open the door.  
It’s dark in there. He has no windows, but he usually leaves a small light on. I fumble for the light switch, my hands shaking.

This isn’t Toki’s room.  
I’m in the right place, I _know_ I am, but this is just a storage room. Where is Toki? I stand in the doorway, my eyes searching for anything of his, anything at all. There is nothing.  
Overwhelmed, I go back to my room, back to where I was last with him. I throw myself on the bed, burrowing my face into the pillow, seeking his familiar scent.  
There is nothing, my sheets were changed while I was out. And I already washed him off, I’ve never regretted showering so much in my whole life.  
I lie on the bed, alone with my thoughts.

****

Pickles comes to get me, they want to have practice. He looks just like he should, everything seems to be normal except Toki. “Skwisgaar, ya okie? Nat’an said ya were actin’ kinda funny this mornin’.”  
Pickles has been around... it’s worth asking. “I’s fine. Hey Pickle? Has you ever hears of Toki Warttooth?”  
He cocks his head, thinking. “Nope, don’t think I have. Why? Is he a musician?”  
“Ja, he ams a guitarist. Damns good one too.” Second only to myself, in fact.  
“Sahrry, never heard of ‘im. Ya comin’ or what?”  
I nod and drag myself upright. Funny, I don’t even feel like playing guitar right now. He waits for me.

Once in the studio, my usual confidence is gone. Who am I even, if not the lead guitarist of Dethklok, the fastest guitarist alive? Who am I?  
I recognize Magnus instantly, even after all these years. He’s older, and there’s some grey in his hair now, but he hasn’t changed all that much overall.  
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to play. Toki’s parts? My own parts? I’m going to have to just try to wing it and hope I do alright. After all, I’m the best in the world, right? Right?

They’re the same songs, our songs, but they’re different. This is not my music that I’ve written over the years, not my sound. It’s subtle, the fans probably wouldn’t even pick it up, but to my ears it screams.  
I make a mess of it, my own lines are denied me and Toki’s don’t fit, having been written for a slightly different guitar, my guitar. Nathan and Pickles are shooting me curious glances, they wonder what’s wrong. Magnus is sneering at me, I remember that attitude. How I hated it.  
Only Murderface truly seems oblivious.

Nathan calls it quits early, clearly upset with me. I don’t even try to explain, how can I when I don’t even understand it myself?  
I don’t want to be around them right now, they’re too much the same. Where is Toki, what happened to him? What happened to all out years of playing together, our year of being together?  
I go back to my room. I want to sleep, I need to sleep so I can’t think anymore. Nothing makes any sense.  
I curl up in a ball, willing myself to sleep. I need it...

****

_He’s there, it was all a dream! “Toki! Where has you been, I was lookings everywhere for yous!” I wrap my arms around him, so real, so Toki.  
“Why dids you does it, Skwisgaar? I begs you to nots ever says those words.” He pulls me closer, holding me tighter.  
“Because I loves you.” I see him start to object, and silence him with a finger across his lips. “No. I already says it, it’s done. Nothing ams goings to change dat.” I kiss him, tasting him. He responds, rolling us a little so he’s partially on top of me. _

_Normally this is where it changes, where it shifts to making love. We’re both very physical people, after all. But not this time, as much as I want that, I just need to hold him more.  
Until him, I never thought of it as ‘making love’, it was just sex, just fucking. But not with us. It goes far beyond just sex, and there’s no other term for it.  
He senses my hesitance, gazing down at me questioningly. He seems to understand, and settles down next to me, still holding me close.  
I want to savor this, I never want to sleep again. What if he’s gone when I wake up?_

****

I wake up alone, again.  
Frantic, I search my bedding for his scent, but it’s not there. They can’t change my sheets while I’m sleeping on them, there is no excuse this time.  
Am I going crazy? Or have I always been crazy, and am now going sane?  
Toki is _real_ , damnit, I know he is! Everything we’ve shared, it’s not just some delusion, it’s more real than anything I’ve ever felt in my whole life.  
There has to be some way to figure this out.

Avoiding everybody, I go and get something to eat. I’m not really hungry but I hardly ate anything at all yesterday and I know I need food. I force myself too eat, barely tasting it.  
The internet. Why didn’t I think of that earlier? I know Toki is real, I’ll just look him up. After all, Wartooth can’t be a very common name.  
I’d rather use my laptop for this, in my room so nobody can walk by and see what I’m doing.  
I lock my door and sit on the bed. I don’t use computers as much as the other guys, but I can manage a basic search with no problem. I type in his name.

Nothing! I got results, but they’re all crap! Skin care products, a video game, eye glasses? I even check out the game, Toki likes games. I don’t play them but this one looks stupid, I can tell it has nothing to do with him.   
There is no Toki?  
No, I won’t accept that! I _know_ he’s real!   
Where is he?   
If I sleep... If I sleep will he come back to me? 

****

_I’m starting to think he won’t show up, and I don’t know where to look for him if he doesn’t. He has to come, he has to!  
The hours drag on as I wait, miserable and alone. I fear I may be insane.  
Finally, finally he comes to me. “Toki!” I’m so happy to see him, I reach out to take him in my arms.  
He doesn’t move into my embrace like he usually does, but sits on the end of the bed. He’s looks as sad as I’ve been feeling, I just want to hold him. To make it- us- all better.  
“You dids this, Skwisgaar, like butterfly wings.”_

_I know what he means, but I don’t understand it. That saying... about how little things can change everything, is that what I did? Is that why he kept telling me not to say it? If this is all my fault...  
He moves to me then, and we embrace in our desperation.   
“I’s sorry, I didn’t means to does dis...” He silences me with a kiss, then kisses away the tears I didn’t realize were falling.  
Min Toki, I... I won’t say it again._

_We make love slowly, as if it is for the last time. It might be the last time, there’s no way to know. The familiar feeling of him moving inside me is tearing my heart to pieces, it can’t contain all that I feel for him.  
I can tell he feels the same, there is pain in his eyes, behind the pleasure. Pain that I caused...  
Afterwards I hold him, afraid he’ll vanish if I let go even for a second. He clings to me as well. “Why’s it gots to be like this, Skwisgaar? I thoughts we hads forever.”  
“I don’ts know, Toki. I wanteds forever, wit yous.” I fight sleep, knowing he’ll be gone when I wake again. Gone forever?_

****

Sleep is where he lives, and the waking world holds nothing for me anymore. Who am I here, a rhythm guitarist? Pfft, that’s nobody.   
I mostly quit the heavy drugs a while back, but I remember the effects well. I’m hesitant though, what if drugs keep him away? Is it worth the chance?  
Acting on impulse, I check where I used to hide them. To my surprise, I have what I need. Maybe I never really quit, in this... now? There’s quite a lot in here.  
I have to try. No point in eating, I remember that part well. I’ll have to try to remember to eat later.

I prep a syringe and head into the bathroom. It’s best to be very close to a toilet, it hits fast and hard. I remember how to do this.  
I used to be able to do it without tying off, let’s see if I still can. The veins in my lower arm are large and easy to hit, or at least they used to be.  
The needle slides in with only a little prodding, and I draw a bit of blood back to make sure. I can’t help feeling a little pride at getting it right on the first try. I push the plunger, emptying the contents into my vein.

It hits me like a freight train, just like I remember. I puke almost instantly, although not much is there to come up. That done, I should be okay now.  
I move to the bedroom, a little unsteadily, and crawl onto my bed.  
Everything is okay now, peaceful.   
I still really want Toki to come to me, but if he doesn’t I’ll understand. I’ll try to understand.  
Weighing a million pounds, I float upon my bed.

****

_He’s not happy with me. “Why the fucks you doings that shit agains, I thought you was overs it!”  
In my drugged state, I can’t summon any anger at his reproach. “For yous, I does it for yous. Dat’s not mine life, I don’ts even know what dat is. Dis ams where I belongs, wit yous.”  
I can tell he understands, even though he doesn’t like it. I lie quietly, hoping he will touch me. Even if he won’t, just being here with him is enough. If this is a dream, I don’t want to ever wake up.  
I have no idea what’s real anymore._

_He does come to lie with me, stroking my hair. “You pukes already?”  
“Ja, don’ts worry about dat. Jus holds me?” Despite the numbness in my body, I ache for contact.  
With a sigh, he wraps his arms around me, nuzzling against my neck. I urge him to put his weight on me, and he complies, shifting on top of me. He’s holding himself up a little though, not putting his full weight on my chest, he always does that. I don’t know why, but he’s always been afraid of crushing me.  
He is my anchor._

****

A few months later, everything has gone downhill.  
I’ve been bitched out by both Nathan and Magnus for my playing, but I just can’t care. That doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is finding a vein I can still use and going to Toki.  
I’ve lost weight too, despite trying to remember to eat when I wake up. Sometimes I just forget.  
I spend as much time with him as I can.  
We don’t make love as often anymore, that’s the price I pay for my methods, but just to be with him, to be able to touch him...

I’m hiding in the kitchen, trying to eat something. Nathan finds me there, and demands I sit down. This can’t be good, but I can’t quite bring myself to care.  
“This is like, really hard for me to say. But you’re fucking up the band, and I don’t know what to do anymore. You’re playing like shit and you look like you’re doing more drugs than Pickles. Do you, you know, need to go to rehab or something?”  
No, I can’t leave! Toki wouldn’t be able to find me if I did. “No rehabs! I’s fine.”  
“Uh, no you’re not. Skwisgaar... if you can’t get it together we’re going to have to replace you. I’m sorry, but the band comes first.” He leaves me at that.

So this is what it’s come to, talk of being replaced? This life feels all wrong, like a bad dream.  
Maybe it is a bad dream, maybe everything’s still okay? Toki is here, everything’s fine. I’m just having a lot of nightmares?  
I almost can believe that, _almost_.  
It’s too soon, I just ate. But I have to talk to him about this, I need him to tell me what’s real.  
Another needle, a scarred vein.  
Another wasted breakfast.

****

_He makes me wait this time, probably not expecting me back this soon. I think I took too much, but I’ve had to up the dose to get the same effect.  
Finally he comes, slipping through my door and sitting beside me. I try to reach up and touch his face, but my arm doesn’t obey and drops back to the bed. I glare at it.  
He takes my hand and presses it to his cheek, I can feel the wetness there. I know he hates seeing me like this, but I don’t know any other way to be with him. “Toki, I’s sorry.”  
“So ams I.”_

_I have to ask. “What ams real? I can’ts tell anymores. Ams dis the dream, or the other?”  
“Do I feels like a dream?” He runs his hands over my body. “You’s too skinny, you knows.”  
“Ja, I knows. But you feels real. Makes love to me?” Drugged as I am, I can’t manage being on top.  
“I’s getting scared I’s going to hurts you. You’s in pretty bads shape.” But he moves to comply anyway, kissing me.  
When he slides into me he holds himself still. We wait, joined, in the circle of his arms, the curtain of his hair.  
When he moves, it’s incredibly gentle and sweet._

_But nothing can last forever. He stays inside me as long as he can, I can ask for nothing more.  
“You gots to take better care of youself.” He’s holding me against his chest as if he’s afraid I might break. I don’t want him to be careful, I want him to hold me tight, hold me together. But I don’t have the strength to even complain. I know I’ve fucked everything up, but I have no idea how to fix it.  
I don’t even know if this is real.  
I hate this doubt, but it’s there._

****

I just got out of the medical wing, the locked my up for three days after I fainted at practice.  
It was torture, I’m deeply addicted now and I know it, and was forced to go without. And far worse, Toki didn’t come to me there, not even once. If he’d just been there to hold me, I could have stood it.  
But that proves it, I can’t let them replace me, not if I ever want to see him again.  
We had some stupid band meeting, all I wanted was to escape to my room and find him. I wasn’t even listening, couldn’t pay attention.  
Not with my body screaming for drugs and my heart screaming for Toki.

The drug part is easy, nobody cleaned out my stash. Well, my latest stash, I’ve had to make a few purchases. That’s the easy part though.  
In no time at all, I was floating in quiet desperation, hoping my Toki would come to me. I closed my eyes.  
Eternity passes in minutes, and seconds crawl by.  
Is this real? What is real?  
Maybe nothing is real.

****

_“I misses you.” He was there! “Oh Skwisgaar, what’s you done to youself?”  
“They makes me stay dere, I didn’ts wants to. I misses you de whole times.” I can’t live without you... but this isn’t living.  
What will happen if I die? Will I stay here forever, haunting my bedroom with my ghostly lover?  
Or will I become nothing?  
But right now, all that matters is Toki, being here with him. My beautiful Toki, I would give you everything I have.  
I feel like I’m running out of time._

_He holds me far too gently. Three days of force feeding has done little to improve my condition, I probably disgust him now. I disgust myself, but there’s nothing I can do.  
I’m pretty sure they’re going to replace me, I just can’t adjust to how things are now. But if they do, I will lose Toki too, and then I have truly lost everything. This may be the last time I ever see him, touch him.  
Unless the other part is the real dream? I never figured that out.  
I drift, knowing that no matter how tightly I hold onto him, he’ll be gone._

****

It’s official, they’re holding tryouts. It’s over.  
I don’t want to see them, these hopefuls lined up to vie for my position. I choose, as I usually do now, to remain in my room.  
Do I dare take the chance? If I’m wrong, would I really be any worse off then I am now? Well, other than being dead, I’m barely alive anymore anyway so that hardly counts. I’m being replaced.  
I’ll do it, I’ll take my chances. How much would it take? I’ve been being pretty careful so far, but I know this stuff can be deadly.

The whole syringe, about four times what I’ve been taking. That should do it. I lock my door, then the bathroom door. I don’t want to be disturbed.  
Shit, I need to tie it off this time, with this much I’ll pass out before I get the full dose if I don’t. What can I use? Don’t I have a first aid kit in here somewhere?  
I dig through the cabinet, seeking. Just as I’m about to give up, I finally locate it. Now if there’s something I can use...  
There is, they include a piece of tubing for an emergence tourniquet. 

This is it. I sit on the floor, back against the tub, pressed to the cold, hard tiles.  
I’m ready. Toki, please be waiting. Please understand... and please forgive me, I can’t forgive myself.  
I tie the rubber around my arm, nice and tight. The needle enters with its usual ease, and my blood blooms back for the last time. It hurts a little, with the vein tied off like this, but I go slowly and force it all in. At last.  
Discarding the syringe, I undo the tubing and let go.  
And fall.


End file.
